Moving Forward One Day at a Time

My Life

2006-03-09T06:33:00.000-05:00

Goodness, time seems to be passing quickly. We've got a little over 3 1/2 months until the wedding and things are starting to come together. Daniel designed out wedding invitations and had them printed at Kinkos earlier this week. I can't wait to see the finished product. The samples he brought home were really wonderful. Plus, we saved about $50 to $100 by doing it ourselves.

Daniel has been really busy with work lately. One of the coaches has been out due to a death in the family. This has caused Daniel to have to stay later with track things. It's been different, because I'm used to him coming over earlier in the evening. In addition to all his school work, Daniel has been doing a lot of work around the house. This weekend, he cleaned out the garage and pulled out some old cabinets that were falling apart. This was no small task. When he moves in, we'll be setting up the garage as a hang out place for his bible study and a little playroom for Sarah. Daniel has some really good ideas for setting things up. I know that it's going to look awesome when he's done.

I've also been really blessed to have his help with Sarah. This weekend, I was not feeling well at all. Daniel washed all the dishes while I laid down on the couch and then put Sarah to bed for me. I ended up passing out on the couch while he took care of most of it. He's also helped with cleaning in general. My brain is wrapping itself around raising Sarah together with Daniel. I've been so used to doing it alone since she was born. He's getting his feet wet on the ups and downs of being a Dad and I'm getting my feet wet on learning to let him in on those things.

Last night, we started training classes for our 75lb. dog Duncan. It went pretty well. He made a friend in class and really wanted to play hump her in public. Hopefully he'll learn a little about public decency while he's in there - LOL! We'll be clicker training. I'm not a big fan of the clicker method, but if it works I'm not going to complain. Daniel and I just have to be consistent about practicing the training daily with Duncan. He's really smart, so I'm sure he'll pick up on it quickly.

Sarah has been doing well. She's having a bit of trouble paying attention in school. I've had to take away a good deal of her privilege until her weekly report comes back clean. I know she's going through a lot of change at the moment, but in the end, she still has to behave. Sometimes, I'm not sure if what I'm doing is the right thing with her.

Anyway, it's time to get ready for work...

Some Kind of Illness

2006-02-28T06:57:00.000-05:00

I've been tired for the past two months or so. Around the beginning of this month, it all came to a head when I started having severe stomach pains. The doctor diagnosed me with an ulcer and perceived Prevacid. That went well for a few days and then the pain returned. It was even more intense than the first time. Daniel kept pushing me to go back to the doctor.

The doctor upped the Prevacid to twice a day and saw me again. He sent me to get an ultrasound. Yesterday, I found out that I have polyps in my gallbladder. Generally that does not cause any issues, so he's not sure what's going on. I'm going to see a gastrointestinal on Friday. They'll probably have to do a scope to check things out internally.

The upped meds are helping, but I still have pain at certain points each day and I've been getting nauseous on and off since he upped the Prevacid. On top of that, this tiredness has become more intense. Sometimes, I can work through it. But a lot of times, I feel like I'm in a fog. For a while, I thought that maybe I was getting depressed. But I don't think that's the case. I really think that the tiredness is causing this listless feeling.

I also feel like I've been not there for Daniel and Sarah. In addition to that, I feel like it's affecting work. My confidence in my abilities has taken a blow because some days my thoughts are so jumbled that I feel ineffective. It's nuts.

Pray for me. Pray that God will direct the doctor to find the cause of my illness and that treatment is available. Lord willing.

Wedding Update

2006-02-18T08:19:00.000-05:00

Daniel and I are in the throws of planning for the wedding. We had a little setback last week. One of his relatives will not be able to photograph our wedding. Daniel has some friends who will do it for $1000. Yup, that's right, $1000. Somehow, we'll figure it all out. In the end, what really matters is that we are being married. Pictures are nice, but having that man by my side for the rest of my life is all that I need from that day.

Daniel and I have been having the dumbest discussion over towels on our registry. There were 3 different colors for our 1 little bathroom. Plus, he's bringing 5 towel sets of colors that are different than the ones on the registry. I told him that we should take off one or two of the set and he didn't agree. To him, towels don't have to match. To me, we are asking for things that we want, and I'd LOVE to have matching towels for the bathroom. Plus, we do not have room to store 10-15 towels!

It was driving me nuts, because his logic was not matching up with mine. If he didn't care, then why couldn't we remove them. Anyway, yesterday he told me we could remove the extra towels. I'm thinking about keeping only the green ones. I liked that color. But, the blue would look nice also. I'll see which one Daniel liked the best and go with it.

Sometime next week, I hope to go get the dress. I'll then have to find someone to help with alterations. The bridal shop wants $120 to alter a few layers. That's almost half the price of the dress!!

Daniel and I are also struggling a bit with temptation. Man oh man is it tough to hold back. Sometimes, I wonder if it's easier for him than it is for me. It's a toss up. But, both of us are committed to waiting until we are married. That's makes for a good 4 1/2 months of good ol' sexual tension. My goodness...

We are also going to start our premarital counseling soon. I'm excited about that. It'll be interesting to see what comes out of that.

I have to say, I'm so blessed that God placed Daniel in my life. I don't know what I would do without him. He makes me laugh at random times. He looks into my eyes and tells me that I'm beautiful. In his arms, I feel loved and secure. I've never respected a man more than I respect him. He's wonderful with Sarah and she's going to blossom under his attention and care. Actually, we are both going to blossom with him as the leader of our household.

So Tired

2006-02-15T12:42:00.000-05:00

Lately, I've been out of sorts. My moods have been all over the place. I've gotten an ulcer. I've been on the verge of crying more times than I care for. What's going on? The sad thing is, I have no idea.

Part of me wonders if the stress of work is affecting me more than I consciously recognize. Today I had to leave work because I was close to going off on a few people. I recieved 6 emails questioning the painstaking work that I did yesterday. Are you sure you have it right. Did you look at this or that. A good portion of it was from my colleages. Instead of coming to my face, they did it in a meeting with people from all over the businesses that I support. I was so bloody annoyed. On top of that, the work that is in question is still in progress. Changes have not been incorporated into the designs.

Another part of me knows that I've been letting my time with God slide. I've been pouring myself out to work, Daniel, Sarah, the house and friends, but God has come last in a good portion of that. I know that I wont be right until I right that. But then, here I sit typing this instead of spending my time with Him.

Pray for me...

Girls Night

2006-02-06T23:39:00.000-05:00

Tonight was the second girls night meeting. Leah, Teresa and I have decided to meet regularly for encouragement and laughter. We bond over every day trials and and talk through subjects that otherwise would not be mentioned. It's helps us to go back into the world knowing that we have good Christian friends to walk beside us.

Tonight, Leah agreed to be my third bridesmaid. She's such a special person and I know that I will be truly blessed by our growing friendship. Teresa is my other bridesmaid. Already, we have grown as good friends and bonded through life's trials.

In addition to that, I came to understand just how much I appreciate Gods wisdom. He has a purpose for matching us with the mates that he's given us. I could never have married Teresa or Leah's husbands. Both would have turned me off completely. But then again, the same is true for them. God ways are perfect and our discussions tonight remind me that I'm right where he wants me to be. I'm making plans with the man who will one day be my husband. Things will not always be perfect, but we will abide in God's will for our lives.

To my girlfriends, I give you thanks! There was a point in my life where I wasn't sure if I would ever have healthy friends. You are Gods blessing to me. Your friendship is one of my most valued treasures.

Deb

Gotta Love Ulcers...

2006-02-05T19:35:00.000-05:00

...Not! I found out on Friday that I have an ulcer. It's nuts really. I'm 26 and I have an ulcer. I'm pretty certain that work is the main culprit. I've been realy stressed out about it for a while. Anyway, the Doc gave me some meds and I'll be on a bland diet for a month. Is that a cruel joke or what? I have to remember to take a pill for a month and then eat bland food on top of it.

Well, I guess it's better than a hole in the gut!

I'm Getting Married!!!

2006-01-29T07:44:00.000-05:00

Well, If you didn't catch it when you read the title of this post, I'm getting married! Daniel got down on one knee Friday night and popped the question. Oh my gosh, I'm so happy. Friday night was a joyous time. We called our loved ones and shared in our good news and then went to see our pastor and his wife for a short time.

My mind is still not able to wrap itself around all that's gone on this weekend. Over the next 5 months, my life will change dramatically. Heck, it's already been undergoing some serious changes! By last night, I was worn out. I needed to curl up in a ball and veg out without interruptions. But, Sarah came home and so did our new dog Duncan. Both were a whirlwind of activity.

More later...

Monthly Villain

2006-01-25T06:37:00.000-05:00

I can feel it coming on. Deep inside, I feel the rage and annoyance mounting. There is no good reason. There doesn't ever have to be a reason. It just sits there beneath the surface, looking for a way out. The cage is constantly rattled. Every potential weakness is explored. My energy is spent fighting back the emotions that I know are irrational.

Yes friends, I feel a good old case of PMS coming on. Some months it's barely noticeable and some months, I can feel the hormones testing there limits. Some days it's a challenge to be a woman! I hope it wains off in a few days instead of visiting for the week!

And Two Will Become One

2006-01-24T07:58:00.000-05:00

Daniel and I have decided that we will get married this year. We've been discussing if for a while, but it's become official. I can't wait to be his wife! He's everything I could ever want in a man and alot of things that I never knew I needed.

I'm not sure when the engagement is coming. I hope it's soon. Then we can set a date and start building our lives together.

Sarah doesn't officially know yet. However, I'm certain she's figured it out. The little rat is pretty darn perceptive! I walked outside to check on the grill and she went to Daniel and asked him if I would get his last name when we married. Then she went on to ask if she would have to obey him. I don't think it will suprise her at all!

Fear Removed

2006-01-24T07:50:00.000-05:00

This Saturday, Daniel and I talked about my past and some other things that we needed to go over. It was very emotional for me. The whole time, I kept praying for God to give me strength. I needed to tell him all the stuff in order to let go of the fear that's been living deep within. I was so afraid that once he saw into my past, he would change his mind. But the opposite has happened. He loves me even more. And for the first time, I'm really able to hold on to that.

Now, I feel vulnerable to him. It's unsettling. He's seen deeper within me that I ever really let anyone. I'm happy, but it takes some getting used to!

I strongly encourage all of you to go out and face your worst fears. God will stand with you. A life lived in fear is no life at all.

The Joy of Growing Up

2006-01-23T07:48:00.000-05:00

By Friday, I was ready to leave work and forget it for a while. I needed to veg out so bad! However, I couldn't. A friend of mine was throwing a birthday party for her daughter and Sarah and I were invited. We had to run to the store and grab a present and some dinner before picking Lauren up.

When I arrived, Lauren was in a mood. She was doing the whining "I don't want to go" act. I don't do whining children well. Her grandmother wanted to brush her hair and Lauren kept walking away. Then her grandmother gave up and handed me the brush and asked me to brush her hair at the party. I couldn't do it. I went over to Lauren and told her that she was told to get her hair brushed. She whined and started to walk away. I grabbed her and pulled her close to me and started brushing her hair. She started pulling and doing the mad scream whine combo. I told her that she needed to listen to her grandma when she told her something. Well, her grandma took pity on her and said. Oh Lauren, do you want me to brush your hair? Then Lauren went to her and had her hair brushed.

In case you're wondering, no, I don't have patience for kids acting like brats. And that's what it was. Lauren was manipulating her grandparents by whining and being obstinate. It's an age old phenomenon that children instinctively pick up on. Unchecked, it will lead to even worse rebellion when they hit an older age. Lauren is a good kid and I'm confident that Marci will figure out what works best to pull her out of it. I feel for her, because it's exhausting. When you think you have the behavior modified, they start acting up again until one day they move on from that phase. Sarah and I battled with it frequently last year and I can see Marci going through it this year.

I was dead tired after the party. Sarah and I headed home to bed. I called Daniel and chatted with him for a while. We made plans to get together Saturday. My, my, my, I didn't expect Friday to be so exhausting!

Bubbling Excitement

2006-01-19T18:15:00.000-05:00

There have been parts of this week that I would have been happy to pass up on. Then there are others that I will hold on to for years to come. Daniel and I spoke of engagment last night. We've talked about marriage and related stuff quite a bit over the last six months. I've always been cautiously optimistic about the topic. I like to be in control of my emotions. But lately, I've been extremely excited about our relationship. In fact, I'm giddy with happiness. Even during the rough times in my day, I can think about Daniel and a smile will come to my face. He occupies my thoughts more often than he should, but I can't seem to stop it. Simply loving him brings me great joy.

Why do I bring this up? Well, marrying Daniel has been on my mind quite a bit. I've prayed about our relationship a lot and I know that God is blessing us. I can't wait to see where the next few months and years lead us.

Wierd Cat Names

2006-01-19T07:21:00.000-05:00

Sarah comes up with the craziest names sometimes. Our kittens full name is now Noah Donkey B. Balloona Deedle.

Yes, I have a cat named Donkey!

Strength Through Christ

2006-01-19T07:03:00.000-05:00

It's amazing what a relationship with Christ can do for you. I was reading my bible study verse today. It's 1 Corinthians 10:13. The verse deals with tempation and God's grace in always giving us a way out. Before coming to Christ, I really did not believe this verse. I had no hope and that was evident in the choices I made. Day by day, those choices ripped out pieces of my soul. My confidence and self-image were so low.

It's astonishing to look back and see how broken I was then and compare it to the woman I am today. God has worked diligently to heal my brokenness and rebuild my image in Him. Not only has he rebuilt this image, but my relationship with Him has strengthened me. I now clearly see God giving me a way out of the temptations that are present in my life. Some temptations and desires are so strong, that it takes all my will to turn away from them. I can clearly see that the timing is wrong on some of my desires and if I wait patiently, I will be able to experience them in God's time. I'm able to turn away from others almost completely (like stress eating).

I enjoy seeing how far I've come with Christ. The growth encourages me to to keep on moving forward.

Fear

2006-01-17T22:18:00.000-05:00

When I look in the mirror each morning, I do not see a fearful woman staring back at me. I see confidence, strength and determination. I see a strong willed lady who is willing to battle the world each day and try to smile through most of it. That persona has carried me through most of my 26 years here. Lately, I've been seeing a side of me that has remained hidden. Or maybe, it's always been near the surface and I've just ignored it. It's probably a little of both. I never knew just how much of a role that fear (yes, I said FEAR) played in my life.

Up until two and a half years ago, my life was steeped in sin. I did not know the Lord and my life was a living testimony to that. I had a child out of wedlock and many other relationships that followed the same sinful patterns. One day, the Lord stepped back from me and told me that since I kept ignoring him, that he was going to leave me on my own. From that moment on, the emptiness that filled a good portion of me, threatened to consume me.

It's funny what God does to wake us up. I wont pretend that I came around real easy. It took me over a year to find a church. It took me a year to lift up a pleading prayer to God. That prayer was to find a church. I thought that he had given up on me, but as I was driving to work, I looked over and saw my church home for the first time. Every day for 2 years, I had driven by the building and never noticed it. I tried it out the next Sunday and have been there for three years.

It wasn't easy changing my life. When I started going to Grace, I had made the decision to give up all my unhealthy friends. Since I only had a few friends, that pretty much took out the whole gambit of them. The dating relationship that I was in had fallen apart and I had just started healing up from a bad car accident. I was ready for a new start. However, things are not always that easy when you are working to change your life. I had many struggles that I've never shared with anyone. Many that I'm ashamed of. On the other hand, I had a defining moment with Christ. I stood up for my new found beliefs and came out on top. I came out with a strong desire to leave my old lifestyle behind and live for him. That's when I fully accepted Him to be my Lord and savior.

Technically, God has cleared my slate. He remembers my sins no more. He's erased them and provided me with a fresh start. What an amazing God we have! But for me, I guess I haven't really let them go. I'm living in fear of telling Daniel about my past. I have a hard time believing that this wonderful man will love me after finding out about my sins. I know that he is a great man, but I live in fear of him rejecting me based on my past. He's told me many times that he loves me and that regardless of my past, he plans on marrying me. I know that every word comes from his heart. I just pray that we will forgive me and love me in spite of it all.

So, where does that leave me? Annoyed. I'm tired of living in fear regarding this. I don't like to let things like that have power over me. It does not allow me to fully experience the love that this man offers and it shows that I've not given this up to God. God does not want me to live in fear. This fear that I live with shows that I am not relying on Him. That's got to change. Coming to Christ was an all or nothing thing for me. Relying on God is the basis for it all.

Today, I've decided to give this up to God. I'm going to tell Daniel anything he wants to know. If he forgives me for it, then I will be insanely happy. The good Lord knows that I want to marry that man. If not, then I will have to pick up the pieces of my heart and go on. Either way, I will not live in fear of the outcome. God is in control and His will is perfect.

Baptism Sunday

2006-01-16T23:32:00.000-05:00

Sunday was an interesting day. Sarah and I were baptized. We let the church know what has been in our hearts for some time. I know that some people look forward to their baptism once they accept the Lord. I'm not one of them.

When I was 5 or 6, both my older sisters were baptized. I didn't really understand all of it, but the production around it gave me the impression that it was a big joke. When the time came, my sisters had to say something that they would never do again. Both said something ridiculous like "I'm not going to lie again." I sat in my seat thinking "What a joke!" (Yes, I started out being cynical at an early age!) I knew that that wasn't going to happen, but I figured that they were happy so I'd just go with it.

The next Sunday, my father and the new pastor sat down with me after church to talk about me getting baptized. My impression of baptism was not the best, so I was not really a receptive audience when the pastor started the conversation. The pastor and I chatted a few minutes and then he asked me if I wanted to be baptized. I told him that I did not. He then said "Well, you wont be able to talk with God if you don't get baptized. " I looked up at him and said, "That's fine, I just wont talk with him." We left that church a short time later. I did not step into another one for many, many years.

I tell you this to give you an idea of why the idea of baptism did not excite me. So why did I do it? As an act of obedience. God had placed it on my heart for over a year and I did not go through with it because of the story above. I kept putting it off until one day it dawned on me that I punished my daughter for disobedience and yet I sat here and rejected the desires of my Fathers heart. The Lord wanted me to grow past my misgivings on baptism and follow through with His will. I had to take that step. It just so happens that Sarah was ready to take that step as well.

We had our loved ones there with us. My father, Sarah's grandparents, my best friend and her girl, Daniel (of course), and Sarah's school principal all showed up. I was so proud of Sarah. The pastor surprised us by asking Sarah why she was getting baptized. I didn't prepare her to speak in front of the church but my little ham was prepared. She thought about his question and then said "Because I accepted Jesus into my heart." What an angel! She has accepted Christ into her heart. I can't wait to see where the Lord takes this precious child.

So, Sunday was a joyful day. I went in front of the church to honor my heavenly Father. He has blessed me so richly with forgiveness and grace that I do not deserve. He has accepted me into his family with loving arms and provided for all of my needs. He is faithful and if it takes stepping outside of my comfort zone to honor him, I will. I only pray that as I go forward, I will step out immediately and not let my "think through everything" personality hold me back.

Inaugural Post

2006-01-13T06:59:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year! Last year, my life took quite a few unexpected turns. I purchased a house and then proceeded to three of the bedrooms. In addition to that, I repainted every room and carpeted most of it. Tearing down wall became a favorite past time of mine for a while! I sort of miss it.

My daughter started kindergarten. She's such a good child and I'm blessed to have her! It's amazing how a little person can remind you so much of yourself, but then again be completely different than you. I'm so blessed to be able to watch her grow.

And, an amazing person has decided to become part of our lives. Daniel is a special ed teacher at a local high school. He loves the Lord and has a heart for helping others. He also has a place in his heart for Sarah and I. We've been dating for six months and I never cease to be pleased with what I see in Him. His wisdom, love and friendship have blessed my life. I look forward to seeing where God leads us this year.

That moves us on to this year. Sarah and I are being baptized this Sunday. It's a big deal for the both of us. But, more on that later...